How understanding the background of my anxiety and depression lead me to a healthier lifestyle. #3

This poem is meant to bring you, the reader, into my life-long battle with anxiety and depression. Not the situational depression, such as mourning a death or overcoming a break up. I am speaking of the anxiety and depression that I developed at a young age and spent most of my life trying to cover up because I didn’t know how to handle it.
I was embarrassed, confused, and always looking for help from the wrong people.
It wasn’t until my early 30’s that I started to understand why I had anxiety and depression.
I spoke with a lot of different therapists and psychologists that kicked me out or asked me not to return because I didn’t agree with attempting to treat my symptoms and not the underlying issues. I am talking about dispensing medication after medication with no logical answers.
I have practiced medicine for a while now and I understand the ” we have to treat the symptoms bit” but I just didn’t agree with it in my case.I knew that I could improve my life without all of that.
After much research I met a with a lady who treats PTSD and trauma, specifically. Even though she admitted later that she had her doubts, she pulled her knowledge together and was able to find a way for me to complete EMDR therapy without the lights. (FYI: I have seizures and that may cause a trigger). I have to admit, at first, I was very uncomfortable and thought it was silly. I forced myself to keep an open mind. Now, I HAVE TAKEN THAT BULL BY THE HORNS AND HAVE LEARNED TO GROW AND LIVE HEALTHY AND HAPPY.

Ms. Tunnel’s Withdrawal

maliciously stirring,
in anticipation…
my  very own Chauffeur!-
a shadow of deter.

deteriorating to  my  knees-
my  curtains ease close-
the sun light dims.

She  promises warmth-
She  eliminates the battling and confusing conflict   She  steals  my  voice while leading me down her tunnel of depression.

…At least  She  thought.

Pleased to overhear  my  own chuckling view…
it has been a while since  I  have  faced  You

Your  attendance caressed  my  skin…
Your  bogus fabrications attempted to pull  me  in…
and just for a moment—                                            
 …You  assumed  You   had   me  under  my  own skin.

your  absence has deceived  you!
My   defenses surprise   you.

ms. tunnel, –
I  will NOT fight  you  nor let   you  surround   Me any longer.

For   you:
There are no walls to keep   you  out.
There is no drink   I  must drink-
I  will not numb what  I  think.   
…your  absence has belittled  you.

For   Me:
I  avow hands with each demon-
declare equal admission…
My  eyes study each scar, fault, and imperfection-
proclaim  My  personal connection.

I  no longer deadbolt vaults-
I  consume no fear to keep  you  imprisoned.
My  defenses surprise  you!
My  soldiers stand conditioned.

So, take   your  withdraw-
and beware of equal admission.
It has been established by practice and law-
and there will be no submission.                                               07/09/2018
I am Katrina.

One thought on “How understanding the background of my anxiety and depression lead me to a healthier lifestyle. #3

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