When I can tell my story of failing over and over and not cry, I know I’ve healed. Here’s the truth…You Can Too. #2

BLOG #2

I ask you,
do you live in a “comfort zone” and are you happy AND content in your zone?

I know, I know, that’s a strange question because we all would LIKE to say that we are happy AND content with the life we are living.

My next question,
if you relate to my previous sentence, are you really living to the fullest?           

I believe it is important to ask ourself these questions.
I believe it is important to share every time I have fallen and failed majorly, yes majorly.
I am not afraid to hold back. Well, because just as Les Brown says, “if you fall, land on your back. If you land on your back, you can see to get up.” 
I am willing to share my falls and how I stood back up. All in hope it helps someone else when they are looking up from the ground.

So, lets talk about that “comfort zone”.
Do you know what it is? Do you have one? Are you in it? Do you live outside of it?
Or… are you like me, and avoid it?
WOW, did I used to live inside of it, bouncing from corner to corner and I was…
let me put this lightly,
MISERABLE.
I spent so much of this precious life MISERABLE because I lived inside this stupid comfort zone…
Why, you ask?
Because I was trying to find myself and most likely, if you are reading this,
you are either trying to find yourself or know what I am talking about.

So many of us have made mistakes, or even things that we regret but the fact of the matter is, everything we have been through and every choice that we have made, makes us the person we are today.

Now, my next question…do you like who you are?  

Here’s the unpleasant, straight forward, horrible, truth… you are going to screw up; however, you are not a tree, you can grow to be anything and anyone you want.        
Humans are too smart for their own good!!

NOW, LET’S TALK ABOUT ME.
My “comfort zone” was based around letting the view of others and societies Brules (Bullshit Rules) make my decisions for me.

I was married by 20, accepting I found what would be a “fit” husband, all in hopes to make my family happy and “grow up”. A few years later I realized we just weren’t very “fit”.            
I filed for divorce and walked away with nothing but debt and disappointing stares because I wanted to be more than a house wife (plus I hate cleaning).

Before the marriage, I met a man that made me laugh, feel beautiful, and always had my back but he kept me on a leash. He was always with another woman and even slept with my best friend.      
Why did I stick around at that point, you ask?
…After growing up in an abusive, addiction, confusing home, he was my rock and my friend, even thru my divorce.                    
…Looking back, I wish I could tell that 16-year-old girl to RUN AS FAST AS SHE CAN! However, I can’t, and I spend every day growing from this.

He didn’t hit my until I was 23.
I will never forget him on his knees, crying, begging, promising he will never do it again.
A week later…I felt his hands around my neck.
A month later, he locked me in the bathroom for a few hours.
Then suddenly, he wanted me and me only.
We moved in together.  

 Why did I move in, you ask?
… At this point, he was all I had and all I knew.
My biological father tried killing me, my stepfather beat me and locked me away, my step grandfather molested me, and the one man I trusted more than anything, cheated on my biological grandmother and broke her heart.
I thought that’s what life was and I had to deal with it. I spend a lot of my life in this “comfort zone” just dealing with things because I thought that is what I was supposed to do.


Somewhere along the road he convinced me I had no one else, no one else loved me, the abuse became my fault, I brought it on myself, and every time I packed my cloths, the abuse became worse. He would always find me.

Let’s just say, I have scars (inside and out), I don’t like loud noises or the silence, I don’t like small spaces, and I don’t like car trunks. I know what It feels to be hit LIKE a man, wake up on the floor, kicked until you bleed, and unable to stand for 10 minutes every morning because I was thrown so many times. Eventually, I stayed out of fear.

Any woman or man that has ever been in this situation doesn’t need to ask me why I stayed.
I felt as if I had no choice.

At age 25 I thought I had an out.
He stole a purse, used the credit cards, had me with him, I was naïve.
Between me disappearing, from the public, for a couple of days, begging to keep my mediocre job, and the cops busting in on me in front of everyone… I went from being the “little waitress that seemed secretive” to “the girl that was abused and a thief”.
I HATED THIS.
I HATED EVERY MOMENT, EVERY STARE, EVERY TIME SOMEONE DOUBTED ME.

To this day, I take one day at a time and grow from this girl to the woman I stand today.

I moved and moved again until one day I said to myself, “I’m done running”.

He called. I would change my number. He would call again. I would move. He would show up. I would get in a relationship and he would threaten the poor souls or do something creepy. He would email me, and I would naively respond. The response was usually an insecure reply due to the lack of stability I had in my present life. I hurt and confused the person I was with.
He didn’t stop until I made him. And I am alive to tell my story.

I spent 15 years physically haunted by this man and now I spend my days in anxiety of what may happen. If there is one thing I can tell anyone that has ever been in this situation is take one day at a time. It does get better. There’s nothing more you can do. Just be grateful you are alive.

It took me until I was 33 to find out that I hated my “comfort zone” and I had something special to give the world. Now I travel often, am a distributor for two huge companies, a medical professional, and opening my first company to help those in recovery from alcohol and other drugs.
I have a wonderful, supportive fiancé, a little dog that’s 10 years old, and a tank full of fish.
My body hurts when I work out too much or too little (that is a conversation we will have later). Sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me. And sometimes I sneak in a maid or two because I am just too tired to clean.
I am not perfect, but I love who I am.

So, here is the lesson I pass on…      

       1.  Don’t grow up too fast.
       2. Learn to make yourself happy before anyone else because only you can make yourself whole.
       3. And finally, don’t live by societies Brules. Make your own foot prints because this world and the people that live in it need the special part of you.

I am Katrina.

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