i don’t know how to live

I don’t know how to live. Just when I think that I got it, I nose dive. That alone is my own blueprint.

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Sometimes I forget to breathe. There’s just too much on my plate. But if my plate was empty, that little demon would have bait.

I don’t know what I’m doing sometimes. I don’t know how to live. Some days I feel as if I have a purpose. Then some days I feel worthless.

Every single day is a struggle. A struggle with depression. A struggle with hearing that liquid hit the glass- Or thoughts of dopamine exploding. A struggle being the underclass. A struggle being in automatic drive. I don’t know how to live.

Photo by ritesh arya on Pexels.com

Every day I wait for the ball to drop. He will leave. She will leave. Everyone leaves. Then I’ll pick myself up and get back on top. Alone. I don’t know how to live.

There was a time I forced myself to be a good person. There was a time my good intentions led to things worsening. Not anymore. My intentions and actions lineup. If that is so, then why don’t I know how to live? How to cohabitate?

Every day is a blind date. I don’t know how to live.

There is an empty, heaviness I carry in my chest. How did this manifest? Perhaps it’s all the things I never achieved in life. If so, I need to humble myself.

Now writing this, I realize… I need to be kind to myself. Release oneself. Life is hard and who really knows how to live?

My hard drive may be fried… But I’m not using, I’m wide eyed and free.

I can live.

This is just a pebble. My shoes are still on.

I can live even if I don’t know how.

I Am Katrina.

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