Intrusive THOUGHTs: My EXPERIENCE

Gripping the yellow, aerial silk my knuckles are red and white...

 “Ouch”, I grit my teeth as I looked at my left shoulder. I thought, “my shoulders suck”. My eyes travel down my forearm and I thought, “I wonder what the high would feel like if I shot up”. Not that I ever have, it’s just a thought.

 The reason I have this thought is because not long ago I was put in a situation that it could have very well happened if I haven’t put so much work into my mental health and recovery. I looked past my arm to one of my best friends and thought, “bet you she’s not thinking this shit”. 

 I was completing a little self-care, laying in a perfectly measured lavender, warm, bath. Some underground, female vocalist was killing it, singing about overcoming her heartbreak. It was beautiful.

 My eyes were closed, the water was just the perfect temperature. I swear to you I could feel a dopamine releasing. I open my eyes just barely, my left leg looks pretty sexy hanging over the tub, I thought. “Oh, how light can make things look so different”. My eyes travel up my left wrist and both of my wrist tingle. The intrusive thought floats in “I remember cutting”. I can picture the blood dripping into the bath water. Then I think of a client I have that is struggling with cutting, her mental health, and recovery. I immediately thank God for taking me out of that hell. I pray, “Lord, please be with her and bring her some peace. Amen”.

I get out of the bath and pick up my phone. 8:32. Eighteen minutes is pretty good time. I started taking baths and setting an alarm a couple years ago. Not to get out of the bath but to stay in. Let me explain- my anxiety and guilt hold my feet to the floor and my hands in constant motion. I have so much to do and so many goals I want to achieve- how dare I lay here! So, one day I decided to set an alarm.

 The first time I set it for ten minutes and that was amusing! I lasted two minutes and I had to get out. I used this tool for about six months until I started giving myself a break. I no longer set an alarm. Well, today I struggled with this. I kept wanting to get out. All I can say is, tomorrow is another day.

Intrusive: Causing disruption, annoyance, being unwelcome to or uninvited.

I thought I heard a dog bark. My eyes stayed closed and I settled into the pillow. I heard It again. “Ah, ok, I hear you and I’m coming”, I was irritated to be waken up during the middle of the night but okay, let’s go. Then when realized I didn’t have contacts in, I was unable to see, I panicked. I woke my partner up and he took the dog outside.

I laid my head back down and closed my eyes feeling grateful for such a good man . Before I realized my intrusive thoughts snuck their way in, I was thinking, “this is a perfect example why God has chosen you to be childless. You can’t even take your dog outside”. …I sighed and began my morning routine. First by thanking God for waking me up and trusting in His plan not to give me a family. … You may think that’s a hard pill to swallow and you are correct. This recovery thing and working this program has taught me love, acceptance, faith, patience, and to shut my damn mouth.

I didn’t used to be this way. I never used to pray first thing in the morning. Only when it was convenient for me. Second, I never used to have faith in His plan…whether it makes me sad or not.

Am I overwhelmed with intrusive thoughts daily? Eh, yes. 

They arrive suddenly and without my permission. They come in with harmful scenarios, whether they are real or not. The imaging that may or may not be fantasizing or remembering the past- it’s still there.

…“Babe, you’re thick, not fat nor skinny”.

My mouth hit the floor, what the hell! Immediately, I felt triggered. Being a person with history of anorexia and lack of self-worth inside and out, I wanted to crawl inside myself and lay in bed. Still as an adult, sometimes my bed is the only place I feel half-safe and accepted. Instead, I wanted more information.

I asked three more people. I wanted to understand what this meant. Truthfully, all I got out of asking is that I’m not skinny, I’m fit, and that tells me I’m too big. I immediately prayed- not to be skinny but to understand why God wants me where I currently am. Even though, I’m uncomfortable in my own skin… immediately, my brain runs off and thinks, “ welp, I can guarantee that some people want and would desire your body…”  My unconsciousness thoughts slammed in!

Screw that!! I have learned to love myself way too much to go back to that life! And for so little!!… I prayed, “God, please remove the negative thoughts from my brain and help me be more accepting of who You have created me to be”.

I know that my thoughts can feel like I’m at war with myself and feel like a storm but I can tell you that I used to give into them, then I used to ignore them, now I acknowledge them and move on.

Sometimes I wonder how I could even still think this way after all the work I’ve done on myself. A positive note is, these thoughts I shared with you are not repetitive.

The repetitive thoughts are the “fuck its”. I believe full wholeheartedly that I get them because of my current situation. I was arrested for a DUI last year. As of today, not convicted, I was arrested.

 The officer gave me a field test then arrested me. This system is a game. He was standing with a piece of paper, not a machine. I knew I was already arrested, what is the point. So many untrusting thoughts went through my mind but all in all I thought, “you are already arrested, fight it when you are released”. That was a sad mistake. I immediately called everyone that I needed to, starting with my sponsor.

I’ve since been bullied, have threats in my mail boxes, phone calls from other owners, a board I was vice president of attempted to put my personal life on blast while they have other owners who are sitting on that same board using drugs in their sober homes with clients. I know this because I helped them. I never put their hardships on blast or scorn them. I’m not one to point fingers but at some point I stopped playing victim. Few know who they are.

I got the “fuck its” so many times until I made a conscious decision not to mess with people who don’t deserve to sit at my table.

Then the accreditation group that my sober living program is voluntarily apart of started bullying me, again. One person in particular. She and I have had words before about her bullying the good sober home owners while letting other owners use drug in their home and have sex with clients. Again, the “fuck its” were overwhelming.

Through all of the intrusive “fuck it” thoughts, I stayed clean and I’m proud of that.

I sit here wondering, where do these intrusive thoughts come from?

Triggers obviously. I notice that they vary but are always caused by stress and anxiety.

If it gets too over whelming, I remember that the threat is not real. For example, increased heart rate, picturing blood dripping on the floor, or digging for answers are all reactions to a thought. It’s not real.

It may be embarrassing but I have no desire or intention to act on these thoughts. That’s why I can easily move on with my day.

If you have intention or thoughts that you find yourself thinking about doing, you definitely need to reach out. Use your sober support. Use your system. We’re here to help each other and remember who is qualified to sit at your table.

I Am Katrina. 04/06/24