How understanding the background of my anxiety and depression lead me to a healthier lifestyle. #3

This poem is meant to bring you, the reader, into my life-long battle with anxiety and depression. Not the situational depression, such as mourning a death or overcoming a break up. I am speaking of the anxiety and depression that I developed at a young age and spent most of my life trying to cover up because I didn’t know how to handle it.
I was embarrassed, confused, and always looking for help from the wrong people.
It wasn’t until my early 30’s that I started to understand why I had anxiety and depression.
I spoke with a lot of different therapists and psychologists that kicked me out or asked me not to return because I didn’t agree with attempting to treat my symptoms and not the underlying issues. I am talking about dispensing medication after medication with no logical answers.
I have practiced medicine for a while now and I understand the ” we have to treat the symptoms bit” but I just didn’t agree with it in my case.I knew that I could improve my life without all of that.
After much research I met a with a lady who treats PTSD and trauma, specifically. Even though she admitted later that she had her doubts, she pulled her knowledge together and was able to find a way for me to complete EMDR therapy without the lights. (FYI: I have seizures and that may cause a trigger). I have to admit, at first, I was very uncomfortable and thought it was silly. I forced myself to keep an open mind. Now, I HAVE TAKEN THAT BULL BY THE HORNS AND HAVE LEARNED TO GROW AND LIVE HEALTHY AND HAPPY.

Ms. Tunnel’s Withdrawal

maliciously stirring,
in anticipation…
my  very own Chauffeur!-
a shadow of deter.

deteriorating to  my  knees-
my  curtains ease close-
the sun light dims.

She  promises warmth-
She  eliminates the battling and confusing conflict   She  steals  my  voice while leading me down her tunnel of depression.

 Oh- 
    Well–
…At least  She  thought.

Pleased to overhear  my  own chuckling view…
it has been a while since  I  have  faced  You

Your  attendance caressed  my  skin…
Your  bogus fabrications attempted to pull  me  in…
and just for a moment—                                            
 …You  assumed  You   had   me  under  my  own skin.

your  absence has deceived  you!
My   defenses surprise   you.

ms. tunnel, –
I  will NOT fight  you  nor let   you  surround   Me any longer.

For   you:
There are no walls to keep   you  out.
There is no drink   I  must drink-
I  will not numb what  I  think.   
…your  absence has belittled  you.

For   Me:
I  avow hands with each demon-
declare equal admission…
My  eyes study each scar, fault, and imperfection-
proclaim  My  personal connection.

I  no longer deadbolt vaults-
I  consume no fear to keep  you  imprisoned.
My  defenses surprise  you!
My  soldiers stand conditioned.

So, take   your  withdraw-
and beware of equal admission.
It has been established by practice and law-
and there will be no submission.                                               07/09/2018
 
I am Katrina.

One thought on “How understanding the background of my anxiety and depression lead me to a healthier lifestyle. #3

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.